Its all in the thoughts. So therefore, if I think calm I will be calm. No heart racing, perpetual fight or flight. So. Lets try this again. I tried today. Nope. Still worried about heart or brain explosion due to overwhelmment. What can work? Tomorrows trial- wake up earlier, breathe and stretch out of bed, and smiling when stressed. Lets see!
Do you ever feel like enough? Is it possible to feel content and satiated for more than just a moment before you want, and need to be more. To do more, see more, get more, feel more- or is it just always going to be “not yet” the person you’re meant to be. You do too much, your brain hurts, you rest- you are considered lazy. I feel like I could do it all and it will never be enough to make me feel like i’ve done all I could to make others proud/appreciate me. I read once that happiness is unattainable if you keep moving toward a goal- this will make me happy- but that the goal posts continually move on, so that you never truly can reach that “happy” place. So. What is it? Try harder or be happy with what you have?
How can a person feel so empty and worthless and yet so full, thoughts brimming and toppling over. Too many coulds, shoulds, wills, wonts, wants, and wont gets. How do you know what to listen to when there is so much. When you see it all, but no answer. Just choices and questions and fighting and losing. Is there a way for happiness- or at least contentment. Or just unyielding thoughts and loneliness with no-one who understands or cares to try.
In so many places and spaces, you read, heard, and are instilled with the idea that “your life is up to you”. This is true, but how do you choose the path ways when there are so many. For months, years, I have felt that I am on the precipice of “becoming who Im meant to be”- to letting go of the laze, shame, guilt of being me and being my “better” self. That I will wake up with unlimited energy and drive- no more sleeping in, chocolate covered almonds, sitting and watching/reading too much- and have the dedication to work out everyday, read all the books, see all the people, have all the conversations, and do it all. This has not happened yet. Maybe tomorrow! I think and hope… but strive to be ok with being the me I am as well as work towards the me I “could” be. This book I have started “Girl, wash your face” proposes that I can repurpose myself to be the “could be” version. Heres to hoping, and comments on the journey!
First though, seems to be overcoming the time/energy hurdle. I seem to be leaning towards another “escape” from improving with the thinking, learning, and wonderances about societies evolution and where we end up. Its not about politics or psychology or history, but about the people we have been and who we will become. Is this learning worth the time away from “improving me”? I am curious what life will bring in this tumultuous time… Is the world going to change and benefit from me being the “better” me, the informed me, or does it matter at all?
Trying to decide what book to read next- there are sooo many!!! The death of mrs. Westaway, one of us is lying, and vox are the top contenders at the moment. Started Thirteen last night but kept zoning out so obviously its not the right time…
Also have to decide on a work out regime…
Today is the last day of summer break and its somewhat sunny, so Ollie and I are hanging out front. This was last night, but same idea…
Woman with a secret- a good read, but one of those books where there are so many unanswered questions and various plot twists that some of what I wanted didn’t happen, and its frustrating cause I would have been more satisfied… Kinda like too many potential angles and ideas but the easiest was just settled on. Ah well!
My goal today- my second last day of nothingness before the school year starts- is to finish this book. And also decide on some future goals. Actually writing my first blog is one of them! The words have been going around in my head for days, weeks! And I finally sat down and started to chunk them out little by little. I’m curious how this endeavour will turn out!